Monday 12th December 2016

I see the Purple Gang have a new Lord and Master. A splendid chap, takes his views from ME. He could almost be preparing the serfs to acclaim me as a future leader - they need one every other fortnight! I am sending him a text (no, not one of my 'special ' texts!) giving him advice and guidance. Just reminding him that you can easily fool the serfs and get their adulation by doing whatever you want to by blaming others that look a little different, but I think they know that already. 


He needs to get a Trumpton hairpiece. I am thinking of instructing all my staff to wear the Trumpton wig. It would amuse me to see Ginge and the Big Man (six dinners Sid) in these wigs. I know what they will be getting for Christmas. 

Now for MY Christmas list.

Thursday 8th December 2016

The serfs have a function each year for best man in the fiefdom. Of course, it always goes to ME but I decline it, letting a serf win it instead. There is a banquet with food and wine laid on, so ME, the Big Man and Ginge turn up to have a free nosebag, erm, support the event. Due to the way he tucked in. the Big Man is now known as “Six Dinners Sid” after the much-loved children’s character. Not as much-loved as ME of course, but who is!

I have had a few thoughts about the worship of the mighty one at this time of year, the adulation and gifts. To ME. It is the Christmas season, all should be festive and generous; giving and receiving – giving to ME and receiving by ME. It is time to submit my list to Santa. I know what I would really like in a Christmas stocking (fishnet preferably), someones leg! A nice stocking filler indeed.

I see this fine fellow, Ronald Trumpton has been doing well. So he should as his attributes mirror mine. He must have studied me to copy my actions so precisely. It is a pity he is not a female, just think of how wonderful our offspring would be!

Thursday 10th November 2016

I speak, America obeys! My millions of admirers in the USA who lovingly read my diary have clearly followed the advice I gave about Ronald Trumpton. ( http://tinyurl.com/ztyd5fa ) A real man with a way with the ladies, just like ME. I mentioned the prospect of ME being able to do a job for him. Perhaps my time has come. Locker room banter ahoy!

Thursday 3rd November 2016

This is outrageous. Yet again I, ME, am left fuming and seething at the indignity I am surrounded by. Moaning Minnies wasting MY time blabbering to all because they dump piffling little queries on my doorstep and expect ME to wave a magic wand. I am brilliant as they know, but my schedule cannot be interrupted by such insignificance. An ex is coining it in with regular “Mills and Boon” type features in the paper with a new beau, but I have yet to see any reward. Without ME who would she be? Fair’s fair – where’s MY percentage? Also, word reaches me of substantial disbursements heading the the big man’s way as well. Again, without MY patronage, he’d be nowhere. Percentage. Now.

Monday 31st October 2016

Tonight is fun night. I believe the serfs go round looking for goodies. I will look for things that satisfy ME. I think I’ll call this event HallowMEen – a night when young ladies can call upon my mansion and receive the best treat of all. ME. What a man of the people I am!

Friday 28th October 2016

I do not understand all the fuss about serfs. Serfs are there to do a job, that’s all. Not like ME. I see myself as destined for greater things, which is why I need more staff. My search for a communicator is progressing. Had a text from someone applying for the job who seems kind of familiar. Second interviews will, of course, concentrate on desktop skills.

One of my many ex’s seems to have a paper on tap to pay her for pictures. I am in serious need of cash. Perhaps my man can cook up another book. Might be time for him to finish the first edition of my autobiography. He needs to contact publishers to try and extract advance royalties. We could include pictures. My gurning portraits would fit in well. Another option could be a Keep Fit and exercise book. Oh yes, wouldn’t that be a best seller (should that be cellar!? A joke!) Maybe I could do a joke book. Or one on how to drink responsibly. Better get someone else to write that one!

What about a ME board game? Ready for Christmas. Based on lying, deception, cheating, bullying, texting, letching. Railway stations that take expenses-only tickets. Hotels in which to meet young ladies. Houses to claim expenses on. Chancer tickets with which to take a risk claiming expenses. Maybe have to reach a finishing area that is a toilet block, or prison. Now, what can we call it?

After a week of very very hard work indeed, the weekend beckons. Time for wine, women and, erm, wine.

Monday 24th October 2016

It seems some establishment wallahs are having a function. They want ME to attend. This is understandable. There is no more popular and magnetic personality than ME to get the populous flocking to your door. However, I am led to believe that I will not get expenses or my usual fee for turning up. This is disgraceful! What exploitation! ME for free? This is unheard of and impertinence beyond belief. You would have to put me in handcuffs to get me to attend for free. Handcuffs sound ‘interesting’ in other circumstances, but not for a no fee function. What is more, these people are trying to thwart any follow up to my literary genius with their namby pamby, lily-livered nonsense. They need to grow some balls – I have lots of those.

Fine and respected hacks have discovered what I already know. The Purple Gang (whom I have referred to in previous diary entries – not to be confused with my other famous entries!) want ME. Who doesn’t! The odd purple gangster who is rightly jealous of my glory might deny it, but I am the man! – for the right price of course.

I see an ex has been not so secretly observed with her new beau.

It’s pitiful really. The poor thing is trying to deflect and distract her deep, mournful grief at not being with ME any more. It happens to all my ex’s. My expert advice is that they should treasure their time with the wonder of ME and look back with fondness at being so fortunate to have had ME in their lives for a short time. They also need to learn to grieve properly instead of looking for a quick relief from all that ails their emotions. Life without ME must be such a difficult thing to contend with that irrational decisions are often made. I am so good at advising about this sort of thing, my TV show featuring my genius surely can’t be too far away?

Friday 21st October 2016

Of course, there have been thousands of eager women wanting to serve my communication needs as advertised (and other needs not advertised). Hoards of qualified communications experts have been queueing outside my office at all times of the day.

I have conducted thorough, rigorous and professional interviews. Here are some interviewees leaving after a demanding session.

One candidate was far too old, too strange, too bossy and a bit of a communist I think. Rejected.

All interviews are conducted in the best way possible – my way. Some found my procedures most exhausting.

Others applied in writing….

My man seems worried by events.He says I should be more cautious. I have no idea why. All this is quite normal, for ME.

Thursday October 20th 2016

I’m angry; very, very, angry. Some of my serfs think I am a charity. A charity that gives my hard earned money away! Outrageous, the money should be coming to ME, not going the other way. Money that is meant for ME has been diverted, not arriving in MY pocket where it belongs! I am not responsible for the education, health, well being of serfs here, there and everywhere. I am happy to be adored, worshiped, have statues and buildings named after ME, that is only right; but give money to these things – NOooooo. I need the money for MY needs, important needs like medication (drink and young ladies); this is not cheap!
My serfs have lost their sense of proportion.

Why aren’t the Big Man and Ginge publicly supporting ME, instead of sneaking around in the shadows, something they seem happy to do? Back ME up, tell the serfs that I am right or else there will be consequences! Now, you are beholden to ME. Don’t forget it.

And now there is some incompetent establishment lackie having a go at ME, yes, ME, for not matching up to the standards I expect. The cheek of it. I have every reason angry! Especially when I haven’t had my ‘medication’. And when I have.

Some serfs have got ME all wrong. They simply cannot comprehend a man of my magnitude and gravitas. My man is not articulating my glory well enough. I will have to take someone on board to do this for me. I’m sure they won’t want paying to communicate glad tidings of ME – working for ME is recompense enough.

Wednesday 19th October 2016

Still looking for publicity. My pictures for the gurning competition seem to have made some impact but not enough; Why not when I am so beloved? I smile for the camera but insufficient adulation returns.

My promotion seems to have stalled and so has production of my statue. I am far more important than anyone at expenses central, and if I decide to lead elsewhere, they will regret losing the greatest man of this, or any other generation, ME.

I have been informed by my man that my generous charitable works have been recognised internationally. My man says that in an overseas serfdom they worship ME in a building named after ME in a special sitting position. This should be standard practice worldwide of course.

I need cheering up. Who can cheer me up? Unlikely to be an ex, they do not even react when I send them ‘reminders’ of what they are missing. Ish back to my old fwiend, wheres thak bokkle?