Monday 22nd February 2016

This is getting beyond a joke. The publicity my ex is getting is ridiculous. What is wrong with the papers? I am the important One. ME. She (they, even) are getting so much exposure, in more ways than one, that I am in danger of being forgotten about. Yes, I got a wee bit of TV but the cameras were more interested in an issue than me which is clearly the wrong way round. And what she’s written, talk about memory (is that spelt right) loss and confusion. What about ME. I know I have been told to keep my head down but it’s so low it’s beneath my nether regions, not that these are getting much action! Must get my man to earn his corn and get ME some publicity, soon, NOW!

Need to concoct a view on this Euro wotsit that he can write about and get me noticed. My important views matter you know. Of course you do. Which side of the fence will be best for me? In, and my current admirers will love me, Out and I can find new admirers. I’ll decide what’s best for me, which of course is what will be best for all.

I am still doing my good works, saying the right things that will please the punters. Not quite sure what I’m saying as my man sees to that. Still thinking about a holiday. After all that lovely excitement at Christmas and New Year, life seems a bit flat these days. All these investigations seem to be nothing but hot air, which of course they are as I am perfect, but I’ve not had the expected photo calls and earning potential they should reap. It’s like being the invisible man.

Friday 19th February 2016

Looking after ones children, well a couple of them, has got me thinking, not about money this time, but the unfairness of life. Can be awkward if the kids are around, can’t watch my films! It also distracts from gaining publicity. My public must be worried about me being so quiet these past few days. There have been mumblings amongst the great unwashed about me having time off work. Disgraceful, someone as important as ME should not be subject to checks on when I’m at work. But teachers, how come they get so many holidays? They are public servants after all, and when they are at school they only work a couple of hours. Money for old rope. Time for school governors to get a grip! Maybe I should be a school governor, I’d sort them out.

Been thinking about my holidays. It is weeks since I had a holiday. I fancy a trip to some exotic destination, first class of course, must get my man to see if there are any decent freebies going at work. Local freebies are all well and good for free food and drinks but someone as significant as ME should get better. A proper holiday is what I deserve, tropical island, waited on hand and foot and other places. Heard that one of my numerous ex’s has a freemans lined up to a tropical island, must be my turn next.

Just had a thought (doesn’t often happen unless it’s about money or young ladies), I might start calling my man Smithers, but not to his face of course, he might have a hissy fit and bugger off again! Never mind, menials are ten a penny and my recruitment methods are legendary. Nobody is irreplaceable, except me.

 

Tuesday 16th February 2016

I seem to be getting a lot of stick lately. WHY ME? How insulting. ME. What have I done to deserve it?

They call me seedy and sleazy and greedy but why? I am a normal man with normal needs. Alright I am the best example of a man, superior to all others and not to be shackled by petty restraints.

So I have had money difficulties, who hasn’t! So has that American, Pump or Trump, the one with the dead ferret on his head. He has literally gone bust thousands of times. And some of the company debts were only owed to the tax man! I’m earning a-plenty now (if not enough, is there ever enough?), and people moan! Jealousy.

So I watch porn and partake of enhancing substances, everyone does, and have bits on the side. Men have needs, and such a magnificent specimen as ME has greater needs than lesser beings. But I am also a kind and caring parent, always willing to find space in my schedule to lend a hand. Super Dad if you will. People should give me a bit of slack in more ways than one. Should the need arise, I am sure my man will step in should An Important Person as myself be required elsewhere. He does so remind me of that chap who looks after that Monty Burns character.

Enough of me (I don’t say that very often!) I need to get back to making money at the same time as making turkey dinosaurs and smiley faces. Only man of my calibre can do that.

Monday 15th February 2016

Went to the massage parlour on Sunday. Had a bit of a bad head, I’m sure that third bottle of wine was off, but at least it was free, and so it should be as a recognition for the admirable deeds I do for the community.

At the parlour two of the masseurs were identical twins, as it turned out one male and one female. When one of them started pummelling my well toned muscular back I had to tell him in no uncertain terms that this was not what I wanted or needed. I do, after all, have the body of a Greek god. I left flat and disappointed. They will not be seeing me again!

After church where I was worshipped, I deserved a drink, so with nothing to confess I called my pals to meet me at the pub to give thanks for knowing such a superior being as what I am. And to buy me drinks for looking after their interests. Bumped into one of the serfs whose name my man uses for his letters to the paper praising me for being ME. He was more pissed than me!

My man asked for details of my past for the autobiography he is writing about me. Cheek, I told him not to use such information and to piss off and make his own stuff up.

Now all the moaning Minnies are whining because I get invited out! It is normal and natural that large events want important people like me there to make them look good. I generously give up my time to help them. So they let me in with a free ticket of course. These miserable souls should get a grip on reality and realise what it is to be significant in society like I am.

Friday 12th February 2016

Had a thought about the punters rewarding a man of my esteem. Why not a charity box by the door? I can think of who might be most worthy to receive due acknowledgment for my kindly help. Still rumblings about contributions made to my holiday fund. Well I have to use the car when there is no first class travel available for a man of my esteem. I deserve it for my good works, as they say, I’m worth it; and I am getting a bit short of funds. Maybe give that lass another text, see if she fancies some more media work, that’s a payer, or perhaps I should take a lodger in somewhere amongst one’s estate?

On the subject of going a bit short, I’ve heard that there is a massage parlour just opened down the road. Might give it a try, when they see a my physique and realise my importance I’m sure there will be no cost involved. I could fit it in (as they say) between a couple of charity do’s. Handily one should be OK for some drinks and the later one includes a good feed.

As “the man of the people”, I’ve had a go at a mega-corporation this week and made sure everyone knows about it. Hopefully my old mate (who happens to own a multi-national) will have seen this and can fix me up with another opportunity to offer my ‘musings for money’ to the world.

Quite a breakthrough those scientists made this week. For all their theories, they still haven’t realised the Universe revolves around me. When they have a moment, I’d like them to investigate the mysterious black hole (or two) my vast earnings are disappearing into. The numbers are not in agreement with the symmetry of Einstein’s equations. That little chap in the wheelchair could motor round and do the sums for me. How come he is in the papers more than me? He’s even had a film made about him. Hmmm, a film about me, that would be good. Must get my man to ring Hollywood….

Thursday 11th February 2016

Came into my office and was met with ‘Good Morning’ from one of my serfs (employees). As I always converse with my staff I said ‘No it isn’t, get on with your f*****g work’

And it isn’t a good day, the media work, and pay, is thin. I have got one of the papers to talk about my forthcoming book. Thought about doing an autobiography, (provisional title, “ME”) but my man needs to finish the ‘exposé’ before he writes that one.

There’s been a fuss about parking. More bitterness from the vanquished I’d wager. I do think (not very often) that a man of my standing and importance should be given his own car park,with a nice young lady parking warden to police it. Or be given free parking at least, saves on all that paperwork for the pay and displays. As a major figure in this town people come to me with their unimportant and tedious problems. If I am not allowed to charge them for my valuable time, I should at least be free (not a word I’m usually associated with) to charge them for parking, something I know a lot about. On second thoughts, those who see me should really pay a consultancy fee comensurate with my brilliance. I’ll have a word with someone, maybe the rules on this are too vague.

At least the ex has hung up her crayon for a while. Who is going to colour in those pictures?

Lacking female company, need to do something about that. What’s wrong with them?

Monday 8th February 2016

What’s all this stuff about Europe? Lot of waffle but no one is answering the real question – what’s in it for me? The jobs in Europe seem well paid and the expenses are to die for! Free Eurostar and parking fees on top! Yes, a highly esteemed person like my good self would seem to be a perfect fit, I’ve even got a place over there. I’ll get my man to explain things to me. Or maybe a well deserved place in the House of Lords – £300 a day for turning up, sleep on the job, expenses, subsidised food and drink plus more funded visits for the progeny. Sounds perfect, as does the title Lord Me.

I’m not getting much company at present, certainly nothing like when I had the old business. I did enjoy the recruitment process, young ladies are so grateful for an introduction to the world of work although a recent one has been a little awkward.

This lack of attention as recommended by my menials is most unpleasant. My finances are beginning to suffer, and no ones printed my thoughts (as written by my man of course!) in over a week. Even the soppy paper who won’t pay me. Still they accept everything I say because I am a man of the people. Speak in a Northern accent and they think everything you say is what everybody thinks. You can tell them any old b*****is and they believe it! Just a pity they won’t pay me!

Friday 5th February 2016

Apologies for my recent absence. Meetings meetings meetings, they all want me. The big man’s sidekick did tell me to keep my head down, what a cheek, a grubby little man who looks more like a knackered ferret after a night out telling someone of my importance what to do. I was hoping a fact finding trip to somewhere in Asia (not the restaurant, a country) was going to come off. Organised by Trans World Arms Traders, it would have been lavish, just right for an immense man of status. But there have been floods there so I opted to stay here in the warm.

My man woke me with tea but no crumpet this morning. “It’s parky out” he said. I stayed in bed, completing more expenses forms and flipping channels to see if the ex was on the chicken grills show yet.

Oh what a week of investigation this has been. So many meetings. So many parking fees to pay. I hear that someone who scurrilously claimed expenses is having a pop at your lord and master. And some quizzical type is jumping on the bandwagon. Pah. I am the man of power and influence in my fiefdom and have consequential earnings. And, it must be said, innocence and perfection.

These parking fees are a nightmare aren’t they, but what can one do ? The local transport system has no First Class sections, so how is it even possible for ME to use them? One must drive therefore, and pay the price of extortionate parking. Not my fault, as always. Therefore the people have to pay, and they know I am deserving.

Tuesday 2nd February 2016

I have a few important meetings to attend this week. I may have to cancel the diary for a few days you will be sad to learn, but when you are as important and in demand as me, it is a way of life. I will impress all with my charm and smart appearance.  I have some new attire to delight all…

LOOK AT ME!!

I also have some new boxers especially for the young ladies, with my picture on, front AND back.

Why I’m being taken away from my own self-interest to deal with some moaning minnies who don’t like me or recognise my importance to the nation is quite ridiculous. You all know I’m meticulous and perfect in all I do. The big man and ginge have asked me to keep head down, and will look after my interests, or else!  Where I keep my head down is my own business, until I sell that information to my friends in the media.

See you soon with more news about ME when my busy schedule allows.

Monday 1st February 2016

Went to my tribute event but they seemed more concerned with some illness or other. Detracted from me until I rose like a golden eagle and hovered above them looking for prey. The prey I wanted was the champers. They did get confused asking me for a donation instead of collecting for me. Still I managed to claim expenses for the event and for another three I would have attended had I time, or inclination, to go to.

Lacking money from my writing, obviously delegated to my man, but I seem to not be in demand at the moment. I should probably keep my head down and leave my man, the big man and ginger to look after my interests. A man of my importance needs all these little people to look after me! If they don’t I might leak a few things that I know about them. Good job I haven’t done anything to be ashamed of.

Getting hungry, will send my man out for food, and drink.