Wednesday 30th March 2016

Had a nice Easter break. Plenty of worship – of me of course.

Been checking out my current dalliance to see if she is worthy of the great one. Her views seem to be spot on, if a little too liberal. She also likes to take selfies. Wonder if she wants to make some video tapes! It pays to advertise. I believe my ex has been offered that opportunity, she does like exposure. Rumour has it she is about to do something for charity; but there must be a catch. Still it hopefully keeps her from putting stories in the press. It wouldn’t be too bad I got my rightful cut, say 50% plus expenses and recognition for my importance, another 25%.

One concern I have about my latest is that one of her exes ( I do like the word exes but in a different context!) is I believe connected to the military but my marathon training might be useful here. A man of my physical excellence should be able to out run him, or them, if, (as my man suggests) he sends the boys round….

Thursday 24th March 2016

I have decided how best to use my magnificence of mind and body for the benefit of others. I shall run a long distance race. Me partaking in such an event will be a fine way to earn money for the less fortunate. Then again, compared to ME, everyone is unfortunate!

There will of course be the need to fund my first class travel, masseuse (or two), 5 star hotel and sundry costs but my expenses will assist. My photographers will be strategically placed en route to take pictures of me for my admiring populace to see in the papers, attracting my usual percentage of course. Best of all, this is one photo opportunity the big man won’t be able to usurp – he wouldn’t manage ten yards!

The charity I have chosen is Children Against Sexting Harassment. Don’t you feel appalled by those old ne’er do well’s who get their kicks sending lewd messages to fragile young ladies? I know I am. In order to help this most worthy of causes, please send your cheques, for as much as you can afford, or more, made payable to C A S H (or to Mr Dale) to my HQ.

Please remember my cause…

Wednesday 23rd March 2016

I can’t seem to attract high profile (that is paid) publicity. The photographer didn’t turn up to capture my antics the other night in the pub, not that I can remember much. What else can I do to get a reaction, run naked around the town hall? If I did I should inevitably be admired, and a bit more perhaps!

Opportunities for profitable activity are a bit thin on the ground at present. Must get my autobiography moving, my man seems a little apathetic, and nervous these days. He sees doom and gloom but I am invincible, and why shouldn’t I be, a man of my stature and importance. What I need is to get in with a construction firm and ‘build’ my income! A joke (my man made that up for me)! Pass me my hard hat, my business card and my wallet for filling up in return for my services!

Had a long distance flight, first class of course, to do a bit of business. I do like the stewardesses and they clearly liked me as they leaned over to serve ME.

First class all the way for ME

Tuesday 22nd March 2016

The moaning minnies are at it again. Seems I can’t offer a pal a bed for the night without the losers having a whine. What is their problem?

Big man in the park, big man having a brew, big man here there and everywhere. What’s going on? Where am I in all this?

I’ll be getting a death threat next, you wait and see.

Monday 21st March 2016

The Big Man and Ginge are getting on my nerves, they should be careful about stories that might get into the papers! They tell me I need to go round my serfs, they call them my flock, dispensing my words. Be humble? Bah humbug. I will do what I normally do. In a week where I have been wrongly maligned in my view (which is the RIGHT view of course), here’s a tale….

The one I have picked was done for claiming too much in benefits. Thousands of pounds over a few years! The rules are quite clear. She was not honest and did not tell the truth! Outrageous! Had to pay the money back, plus costs. Quite right too! She was also given a suspended prison sentence, should have been banged up for me. This fraud should not be tolerated.

I am mortal, and occasionally an honest mistake is made in the busiest schedule any mortal has. This happens very rarely indeed. I mean, if the rules are so vague a man like ME can’t understand them, then the rules are clearly wrong. I even give recompense when the rules are wrong, how honest am I!!

Heard that there might be a job in London making sure this benefit malarkey gets sorted. Disgraceful that they get money they are not entitled to, unlike ME. I am perfect for the role of course, something I would be well suited to. Especially the increased earnings, chauffeur driven car etc. etc. Oh bugger, looks like the job has gone already, to some hatchet-man. Talk about ‘Jim will fix it’, they fixed his selection good style. I do have a begrudging admiration for how they have stitched it up though.

ME, as honest as can be, ME. I am a poet too. How wonderful I am.

Friday 18th March 2016

There seems to be a bit of mumbling about ME. I don’t mind any proper (paid) publicity, but I will not tolerate unpaid mumbling about ME.

So I had a glass the other night, it’s not unusual for a man of the people like what I am. I’d been to a do and felt a bit flat, after the Lord Mayor’s show as the saying goes. There were a lot of young fillies who were adoring me, especially my fine physique and I was just returning their attention. I am a love machine. I think that is what happened, I can’t really remember. But if I think that is what happened, then that IS what happened. Now where did I park my passion waggon? How embarrassing. Well, it would be for anyone but ME.

I broke out in a sweat when I heard there were new taxes on drinks and coke. I thought, yet another tax on the working man, so I’ll put less sugary drink in the glass and more, you know! Never mind, higher beings can always put anything on expenses.

After my news yesterday about Sportland, it seems they have bought a pub on site as well. Makes a return visit most promising. It’s named after some bloke I’ve never heard of. They should name it after ME.

Thursday 17th March 2016

Years ago, I took some of the kids up to the sports stadium in my fiefdom. I think it’s called Sportland or something like that. The masses turn up to watch ball games and have beer. Games with my balls, and beer, are fine things. There wasn’t anything of substance in it for me at Sportland so I stopped bothering.

“Read this, Sire” said my man yesterday. Seems like there’s been some shuffling about of shares and ownership issues at this arena which has caused happiness amongst my people. I wondered if this was a money making opportunity gone missing, but then…. horror of horrors. In all the press releases, I wasn’t mentioned once, despite my unwavering support of my teams. I have seen a few games you know. Even worse, all this P R is giving publicity to the big man and ginge, again. What are they up to, I am the main man here, where were MY comments, MY pictures, MY FEES!!

For them not to mention ME in proceedings is unacceptable. I get the feeling they are after my job, thrusting themselves into the limelight at every opportunity. What unseemly behaviour – attention seekers I call them. Little do they know what I know of them. Nobody plots to oust a well informed gentleman like ME, mwah ha ha haaaaahh.

Mr Dale was quite angry

Tuesday March 15th 2016

A good weekend, found a new young filly to take to the ball, and she shares my views. Did the job, got me a bit of publicity! Had a good feed, and drink – all free, as of course it should be for ME. I should have received my usual fee just for attending but let that go on this occasion. Some people who were there might be useful in the future.

I see the big man has been parking himself into the attention of of my people. Having read about it, this is disgraceful behaviour, on two counts! Firstly, it takes attention away from ME, the most important man on the manor. Secondly, parking yourself into public attention and upsetting the losers is MY idea, which he’s shamelessly stolen from ME (see here). For this, a suitable charge must be levied. Hmmm. I might need about £28,000 ish soon, so that, plus my time and trouble and some profit on top, payable in cash to keep it off the books, should be a tidy sum. My man, come here and draw up the invoice. What a fine businessman I am!

Yesterday’s phone call was someone doing a survey so I told them what my views are; but they were very rude ringing off when I asked for my usual fee for espousing my thoughts.

Monday 14th March 2016

My ex has been on to me, ME, asking why I did not pass on her invite to the wedding of the boss of that marvellous paper (they do pay well!) to some American woman. She thinks that she must have had an invite as she is now such a well known celeb. I must say that I should have been the first to be invited, an important and super talented writer such as MYSELF. It would have given me a chance to ask why I have not been asked to contribute of late. My man has been on standby for weeks! I could have flogged my forthcoming publication. Advance payment in anticipation of this worldwide best seller would be most welcome. It would bring a smile to my face, not much else is at the moment!

Even the big man seems to be getting more publicity at the moment. I hope he is not after my job; he’s got history in that area. Both he and Ginge do not seem to be giving me their undivided attention and appropriate worship at present.They can be quite devious at times, not like ME. I am beginning to think I need a business opportunity, but what? I have magnificent business skills. My business experience is, shall we say, unique. Can I profit from my mighty appetites? Unlikely, but I may be able to use being ME. Let me think; where is that man of mine when I need him to come up with ideas? The phone is ringing, I wonder who it can be? Best get one of my serfs to answer it just in case it is someone I do not wish to speak with.

Friday 11th March 2016

Had to duck down under the table (a place where I often find myself) to avoid talking to my visitor. I think he’s gone, but just in case I’ll use the back door when I go out. Keep seeing my ex about, if she’s earning I should be able to get away with giving her less pennies. Can’t see that she would put herself about for free; been well trained there!

 There has been something on the radio about woman’s day.

Does that mean that the ladies will be looking for a pleasant day. My good self is available as always, my body toned as to near perfection. Even I can improve my handsomeness, but only by a small amount.

Time for my man to earn his corn by putting tales of my hard work before my adoring worshippers. I need to get more credit for some of the boring and tedious things I have had to do lately. Perhaps I need a ‘double’ for that sort of work. However there is only one of ME, there really is no one else like ME!

My man is always trying to give me advice. However he has been making some strange suggestions of late. He suggested getting a new suit with an arrow pattern saying it would be very fetching and that I shouldn’t lag behind the times.

I always thought an alternative career for me could have been that of a male model. Perhaps I can get sponsorship from a bespoke gentleman’s tailor. My fine athletic physique would be ideal to show off expensive attire. It would save having to put my fine clothes on my expenses; that account seems to be groaning under excess weight just at the moment.