Tonight is fun night. I believe the serfs go round looking for goodies. I will look for things that satisfy ME. I think I’ll call this event HallowMEen – a night when young ladies can call upon my mansion and receive the best treat of all. ME. What a man of the people I am!
I do not understand all the fuss about serfs. Serfs are there to do a job, that’s all. Not like ME. I see myself as destined for greater things, which is why I need more staff. My search for a communicator is progressing. Had a text from someone applying for the job who seems kind of familiar. Second interviews will, of course, concentrate on desktop skills.
One of my many ex’s seems to have a paper on tap to pay her for pictures. I am in serious need of cash. Perhaps my man can cook up another book. Might be time for him to finish the first edition of my autobiography. He needs to contact publishers to try and extract advance royalties. We could include pictures. My gurning portraits would fit in well. Another option could be a Keep Fit and exercise book. Oh yes, wouldn’t that be a best seller (should that be cellar!? A joke!) Maybe I could do a joke book. Or one on how to drink responsibly. Better get someone else to write that one!
What about a ME board game? Ready for Christmas. Based on lying, deception, cheating, bullying, texting, letching. Railway stations that take expenses-only tickets. Hotels in which to meet young ladies. Houses to claim expenses on. Chancer tickets with which to take a risk claiming expenses. Maybe have to reach a finishing area that is a toilet block, or prison. Now, what can we call it?
After a week of very very hard work indeed, the weekend beckons. Time for wine, women and, erm, wine.
It seems some establishment wallahs are having a function. They want ME to attend. This is understandable. There is no more popular and magnetic personality than ME to get the populous flocking to your door. However, I am led to believe that I will not get expenses or my usual fee for turning up. This is disgraceful! What exploitation! ME for free? This is unheard of and impertinence beyond belief. You would have to put me in handcuffs to get me to attend for free. Handcuffs sound ‘interesting’ in other circumstances, but not for a no fee function. What is more, these people are trying to thwart any follow up to my literary genius with their namby pamby, lily-livered nonsense. They need to grow some balls – I have lots of those.
Fine and respected hacks have discovered what I already know. The Purple Gang (whom I have referred to in previous diary entries – not to be confused with my other famous entries!) want ME. Who doesn’t! The odd purple gangster who is rightly jealous of my glory might deny it, but I am the man! – for the right price of course.
I see an ex has been not so secretly observed with her new beau.
It’s pitiful really. The poor thing is trying to deflect and distract her deep, mournful grief at not being with ME any more. It happens to all my ex’s. My expert advice is that they should treasure their time with the wonder of ME and look back with fondness at being so fortunate to have had ME in their lives for a short time. They also need to learn to grieve properly instead of looking for a quick relief from all that ails their emotions. Life without ME must be such a difficult thing to contend with that irrational decisions are often made. I am so good at advising about this sort of thing, my TV show featuring my genius surely can’t be too far away?
Of course, there have been thousands of eager women wanting to serve my communication needs as advertised (and other needs not advertised). Hoards of qualified communications experts have been queueing outside my office at all times of the day.
I have conducted thorough, rigorous and professional interviews. Here are some interviewees leaving after a demanding session.
One candidate was far too old, too strange, too bossy and a bit of a communist I think. Rejected.
All interviews are conducted in the best way possible – my way. Some found my procedures most exhausting.
Others applied in writing….
My man seems worried by events.He says I should be more cautious. I have no idea why. All this is quite normal, for ME.
I’m angry; very, very, angry. Some of my serfs think I am a charity. A charity that gives my hard earned money away! Outrageous, the money should be coming to ME, not going the other way. Money that is meant for ME has been diverted, not arriving in MY pocket where it belongs! I am not responsible for the education, health, well being of serfs here, there and everywhere. I am happy to be adored, worshiped, have statues and buildings named after ME, that is only right; but give money to these things – NOooooo. I need the money for MY needs, important needs like medication (drink and young ladies); this is not cheap!
My serfs have lost their sense of proportion.
Why aren’t the Big Man and Ginge publicly supporting ME, instead of sneaking around in the shadows, something they seem happy to do? Back ME up, tell the serfs that I am right or else there will be consequences! Now, you are beholden to ME. Don’t forget it.
And now there is some incompetent establishment lackie having a go at ME, yes, ME, for not matching up to the standards I expect. The cheek of it. I have every reason angry! Especially when I haven’t had my ‘medication’. And when I have.
Some serfs have got ME all wrong. They simply cannot comprehend a man of my magnitude and gravitas. My man is not articulating my glory well enough. I will have to take someone on board to do this for me. I’m sure they won’t want paying to communicate glad tidings of ME – working for ME is recompense enough.
Still looking for publicity. My pictures for the gurning competition seem to have made some impact but not enough; Why not when I am so beloved? I smile for the camera but insufficient adulation returns.
My promotion seems to have stalled and so has production of my statue. I am far more important than anyone at expenses central, and if I decide to lead elsewhere, they will regret losing the greatest man of this, or any other generation, ME.
I have been informed by my man that my generous charitable works have been recognised internationally. My man says that in an overseas serfdom they worship ME in a building named after ME in a special sitting position. This should be standard practice worldwide of course.
I need cheering up. Who can cheer me up? Unlikely to be an ex, they do not even react when I send them ‘reminders’ of what they are missing. Ish back to my old fwiend, wheres thak bokkle?
It seems the government have set minimum standards of alcohol that we should drink. These are way too low. We should set our aspirations much higher. I say that if you can remember the morning after what happened the night before you are not trying. If you have not managed a good grope (or at least a letch), you are failing as a man. Just look at how well that Ronald Trumpton shapes up. It was almost as if he had studied ME and emulated my actions.The more I find out about this Trumpton man the more similarities with ME there appears to be. And I am good at finding out about people, it all goes into the data bank.He is with his third ex, similar to ME but I haven’t picked the new ex yet, still auditioning. Both he and I know how to approach ladies; we are pleased to offer the hand of friendship. He has more money than me, in spite of a similar number of business failures. I must find out how he can still have so much money even after his financial disasters. He must be able to claim massive amounts of expenses!
One of his projects was a golf course, maybe I could persuade the Big Man and Ginge to sell off some of the local parks to me to turn into golf courses. I wonder if Mr Trumpton would be interested. What a right pair we would make!
Now, how is that statue of ME coming along? What should I be doing and would it involve a desk, and what would I have in my hand. As always I am open to suggestions.
When you are as important as ME, you can please yourself. Young ladies and serfs know this. Here is a picture of a happy ME, pleasing ME. You can thank ME anytime!
I like the style of this Ronald Trumpton chap. Lots of media coverage, lots of money,lots of ex’s , no doubt lots of expenses . He has some commendable views as well. A ladies man like myself. As I am wonderful at running I should be his running mate. I can help him get out of any dilemma, I’m very good at that. And when he really drops himself in it, I can take over and rule the world as nature intended.
My man,come hither and enact my plan!
I am looking at television programmes which would suit ME. Britain’s got talent? Problem is I don’t have any talent except being ME. That should be enough. I suppose that getting money for nothing wouldn’t count. What about pointless, never seen it but the title seems just right! Is there a programme that involves drink? Mastermind with the specialist subject of ME would be OK.
I heard, or rather misheard someone mention a bit of fracking to be had up the road. Was almost on my way before Ginge said it was nothing to do with young ladies. Although he did seem excited about ‘a business opportunity’, just needs a bit of planning he says.
As my adoring serf readers will recall, I made mention of “The Purple Gang” back in May in my “My night with the wanabees, part one” entry ( http://tinyurl.com/go6zeve ). I said they were a motley crew then. Seems like they are falling out, fighting, knocking seven bells out of each other and are as motley as I said. I am always right aren’t I ? What would they give for a man of my calibre and esteem to lead them? ME! I’m open to offers….always….
I have been thinking about ME-TV or TVME.
My journalistic efforts are so sought after by the papers that talk about ME that a natural development is television. I could have a show putting right the slurs on my serfs perpetrated by that Jeremy Kylie show ( http://tinyurl.com/h6lelln ) . What have the serfs done to deserve his disapproval? So they manipulate their income (fiddling is such a harsh word), don’t we all? It shows initiative. And as for distributing their affections, it is only fair that those of us with so much appeal should give it to as many women as possible. Only young women of course in my case.
I could offer advice on financial and personal matters. My financial record could light the way for the ambitious man and woman. It’s easy to succeed but sometimes there is the odd setback. Sometimes you are just unlucky with businesses as I have been on some occasions, well every occasion.
For personal matters a man with my irresistible personality, my solid stature, fine looks and unflappable demeanour would be a fine example for all men. They could seek to emulate my adventures with the ladies by just listening to ME describe my fantastic exploits. They could never reach my zenith’s, no one could of course. I am the only ME. And I could make a fortune from product placement. I need a drink. A word from our sponsors…
Mr Dale's Diary 