Friday 29th January 2016

Looking forward to a good feed (and drink!) at a charity ‘do’. The charity is for M E. Would you believe it, actually a do for me, I would believe it, at last recognition that I am so important that people should fete me. I expect my man, the big man, and his sidekick have organised it for me. Looking forward to free drinks and plenty of food, wonder if a date has been thrown in? That would be an excellent prize for a young ‘un. All legal of course, as befits an honourable man like me. Right Honourable no doubt one day. Haven’t had a good do since the splendid muffins at the cafe.

Think I might go to church on Sunday. The visitors I’ve paid for won’t be turning up again so I’ll have time for God to pay his respects to me instead. Looks good for a man of my status, a pillar of society, to be seen at such a place. You even get a drop of wine thrown in. They should have a first class section reserved for such an important man as what I am. Have not got time to confess though, I’d be there well into next week!

Might get my man to start work on another book for me. I’ll call it the Ex Files. They give me plenty of material to work with!

Thursday 28th January 2016

Apparently I’m going to be probed over something I’m far far too busy to deal with. One of the papers printed a resumé of other times I’ve been probed. Never came to anything because I’m so industrious and their rules are vague to a man of my supreme intellegence. A few ne’er do well’s, unable to match my rise to prominence and glory persist in whining about things that are not of their concern. I’ll ride it out as always.

Only when I spot failures in others is action taken. This merited by my importance and standing in the World, and because I’m always right. Grass? No. “Man of the people” ? Oh yes!!

Still, they want their bits of bureaucracy. It will waste more of my valuable time, but I do need to look through the paperwork to find my receipt for my missing £33million lottery ticket – The ex’s Data allowance requires much money to cover all those uploads. Anyway, the lottery is bound to believe me if I can’t find it. Everyone else does.

Wednesday 27th January 2016

Wednesday

My man informs me of rumours about the little Red room near the bridge. They adore me there. I shall tell you how much…

One evening recently, whilst downing my sixth pint of 1976 Petrus Pomerol ( a legitimate expense of course), that wildlife chappie was having one of his TV programmes repeated. It went on about Cicada’s and how they stay in the ground for several years before emerging, all at once, to do their loving. The people in the little Red room do this to show their love for me. Every few years , they surface in an act of love to deliver leaflets of my pictures and words to the people of my fiefdom. A fine collective act of worship of me.

My man infers that some atheistic types in the little Red room , bizzarely, don’t like me and could refuse to take part in this gloryfying of me. It matters not – the big man is in my pocket and he’ll get them back on track. You may say “that must be a very large pocket”. Indeed it is – it needs to be to contain my considerable expens… erm… earnings.

Where’s all those receipts gone? I am owed much.

Tuesday 26th January 2016

It was great to see a picture and article about me in a Sunday paper. These organs love me so much they will publish any sort of tittle tattle about me. Or tittle about the ex. Some of the Monday’s mentioned me too. Marvellous.

The latest bit of trivia is about the minuscule expenses I claim for my important work. As an in-demand lover I’ve got a few kids knocking about, forget how many. A modern family you might say. I asked expenses HQ could I claim for the kids, they said “yes but read the small print”. Who does that eh? That is my man’s job, but at the time he’d disappeared somewhere.

I was sat at the kitchen table filling some tiresome forms in, whilst the ex was trying out her new selfie phone – a special event which required special attire on her part. My eyes were naturally averted from the small print, so I missed a few tiny details. Ill-considered, non-serious complaints regarding this by jealous people are a waste of time. You’ll never catch me doing anything wrong. In fact I might get my paparazzi out to capture my innocence when I next call round to see our wonderful Police. Photo’s in the papers – kerching!! I’m a winner.

I almost put in a reasonable and understandable expenses claim for maintenance of the puppies, but I did not as they seem to be generously supported by various sources. No-one can call me selfish or greedy, oh no.

I’ve got a new iron. Must get some more expenses forms.

Monday 25th January 2016

Not much to write, the weekend is for the social life. An important man like myself needs a social life in order to keep my good looks and impressive physique.

In the morning I had to listen to people moaning about insignificant things, don’t they realise I am an important man with better things to do. At midday I went to the pub, but had a little snifter first.

Even next door that got flooded by our burst pipe are asking what we are going to do to stop it happening. Felt like saying f*** all, but left it to my man to sort out. He’ll give them some bullshit. At least we pay the rent, on this place anyway. Mind I know of a previous person in my position who got away with not paying rent for her office. Another bleeding ex student, fit for only one thing!

My man has been (a has been! Good joke, as is he. Can’t seem to stop the jokes coming!) Of course he doesn’t use his real name, but is always good to have a go at some woolly liberal.

Went to a charity do but couldn’t find any charity from any young lady. They really don’t know what they’re missing. It’s their loss. Looking forward to the week, should get the all clear. Now. let’s have a peep at the Sunday papers…

Friday 22nd January 2016

Bit annoyed with my team missing a trick. When I got a Mr. Whippy they did not think to get a receipt. Slack. I am giving the impression of acting like a regular sort, concern for the residents and all that crap. My man cribbed a load of existing bits and pieces and put it on that Internet as another man of the people article. Earnings? £0.00. Shocking. My man said my publicity needed to change. Why? They will not get rid of me.

On the subject of receipts, do you know that some plebs object to a man of my station being paid to travel first class? Can you believe that? My elite status has been well earned. I’ve put my back out servicing people, therefore I need the comfiest of seats to continue my work for me. No gratitude some people.

My little helpers need to do a bit more. They forget that they will have real problems if I do not retain my position. I know a lot about them! I am the lynch pin, the dogs bollocks. Glad my ex is going away, she really is a publicity seeker, not like me. Feeling the pinch already, I need to get back to the arcticles the press put my name to. Feeling the pressure, need to speak to my mate Charlie, known him for years, a real friend in times of need.

Weekend coming up. Plenty of free feeds, especially the charity dos. Bit lost for a good female friend can you believe, but there is still the old flame I took on. Should get a spanking good curry thrown in as well!

Thursday 21st January 2016

I hear my second most ex is going out with a pawnbroker. I think she thought he was a pornbroker – chance for her to get into films! I’d watch them, they could be added to my collection. Still waiting to hear from my legal team. Got my chaps to help out. The big man has put in a word for me to the powers that be, they can’t piss off such an important man as myself.

Not written for any of the rags this week, keeping my head down. Hope it gets sorted soon, can’t afford to lose income from the gutter press. When I get the all clear (that reminds me I have a doctors appointment) I am going to sort out anyone who is not totally for me. Bloody Socialists!

I also hear one of my other ex’s is appearing on the Chicken Grills survival show or somesuchlike. For charity and no payments with no self-interest publicity angle at all I don’t presume. Apparently there will be no mobiles and only a few basic tools available to survive. Some wag suggested she’ll do fine because I was a basic tool and she survived me. How I laughed. Oh, what larks – how can people who know me survive without, ME !!

“A field day for carcinologists, Sir” , said my man, in that pedantic, sesquipedalian manner of his. I had to look it up but it raised an infectious smile. 

Looks like nips galore then!

Wednesday 20th Jan 2016

Wednesday

Waiting for MY Party to tell me what I have done to deserve their criticism. It can’t be me texting the girl, everyone does that . I even texted her to meet me in front of the press and that there would be some money in it for her. Can’t say fairer than that. She would also have the pleasure of meeting me, and a bit more if she’s up for it. And why wouldn’t she be? I am a fine specimen.

What else could they be unhappy about? I know my first business went bust owing the tax man £100,000 but companies go bust all the time. Look at the Deli, still owes a bit of rent. My man says it should have been called Mein Caf(e) to give it a more European character and then it might have been more successful, I think he has a good point.

I can’t think that writing for the Tory papers is a problem, its just business. If I wasn’t critical of the gaffer they would stop paying me! Can’t have that. I suppose there is the porn stuff and the drugs, but that’s water under the river or is it under the bridge? I don’t think they know about me selling off the house from under my stepfather or some of the ‘other’ stuff. Still annoyed about missing out on New Years Honours.

Nothing in the post about lifting my suspension, must be just a matter of time. I’m too important for them to do anything to me. I am the ‘man of the people’ and clearly designed for greatness, sooner rather than later.

Tuesday 19th Jan 2016

Rupert Murdoch. You gotta love the guy. A few little skeletons in the cupboard over phone hacking, Hitler Diaries, urinating on the dead etc etc and a few other bits and bats, but you can unreservedly apologise for a few errors of judgement. I know I would if I ever did anything wrong. Which never happens. That nice Mr Murdoch is soon to be taking his fourth wife. I know three of them to be much younger than him so he clearly follows my lead in being a male cougar. Some may substitute ‘cougar’ with ‘rhino’, you know, ugly and horny, but that clearly isn’t applicable to me. Nice guy is Mr M, I’ve been paid by his organs and they love me too.

I could follow his example and publish my own paper. I’d call it the Daily Meil. Everyone around here would buy it as they adore me . I’d be in the papers every day then, and won’t that be a fantastic thing?

Must get that pesky iPhone fixed before it visits and favourites porn sites of its own free will again.

Monday 18th

Awoke with a slight head. I think my diary needs to share the following tale, which shows what a fine fellow I am.

Being Mr Dale, a man of influence, I occasionally leave the world of self-aggrandizement, to help others, for my own self-aggrandizement. A poor lass, one “Facit Franny” was desperate for me. A woman of limited means from the next village. She arrived at one’s HQ. She needed bread for her kids. One’s trusty man-servant advised caution but I poo-poohed him.

In conversation it emerged we both used to watch Rochdale AFC games as die-hard fans until it wasn’t self-serving enough. I offered her succour which she did for two Warbies medium white. Her old Nokia 1200 was incapable of incriminating me by saved texts. She is a good 25 years older than me so that would throw the wolves off the scent yet still satisfy one’s needs for a private life. A result in one way, but with limited photo opportunities and associated wealth in t’other.

I related the tale to my man. “Very good Sir”, he replied. Therefore, I am good. Time to get the forms out and submit an expenses claim for those two Warbies medium white.