Monday 29th August 2016

Again I am looking for a right hand man, well lady. One of my staff seems to be off sick for some reason or other. Some of my staff sometimes do not realise what is required of them. I need someone to help me with my needs, a cross between a cheerleader and an adornment for my greatness. Cheap as possible, perhaps someone on one of these wonderful government schemes where I do not have to part with any of my ever diminishing financial resources.

I have been looking around for an institution that that would suit my greatness. There is one where you only have to sign on to receive a serf’s weekly wage. You also get cheap food and drink, and the company of similar people. Not many young ladies unfortunately. I believe the House of Lords fits ME to a tee. My ex would be happy as she might be a lady, an unlikely thing indeed, and a formidable challenge! Lord ME – this sounds splendid!

My man says joining is known as ‘taking merkin, or ermine’ or something like this. You get to claim expenses and you can only get thrown out for High Treason. As high treason means people having a go at ME I am invincible. What a wonderful institution, now where is the application form?

Wednesday 24th August 2016

I’m getting plenty of attention again, but too much this time. I’m just an exceptional ordinary guy. Sometimes I feel like I’m just a public convenience. But one must press on and keep up the earnings. I think an enterprising record company should compile a list of songs relative to ME and call the album “Now that’s what I call ME“. I’ve asked the serfs to help select some of the songs to be used. Gary Glitter seems popular! Some of the suggestions (many of which I don’t understand) received already are:

• That Sex Texting Song (Radio Edit) – Linzey V
• I’m the leader of the gang (Gary Glitter)
• Do you wanna touch me (Gary Glitter)
• I love you love ME love ((Gary Glitter)
• Hello Hello I’m back again ((Gary Glitter)
• I love the sound of breaking glass (Nick Lowe)
• Spanish Harlem (or hareem) – various artists
• Y Viva Espana – (Sylvia)
• Beach baby – (First Class)
• Hurt – (Johnny CASH)

And my favourite…

I’ve Gotta Be ME – Sammy Davis Jr.

I look forward to future suggestions.And earnings!
Seems like one of the ex’s got plastered recently. She’s had an earner off the papers telling all. Some of this must surely come my way – taught her everything she knows about that type of income! She’s now thinking of having her own CD as well, called Band-Aid.

Monday 22nd August 2016

Had disciplinary issues with one of the hired hands last week. It came to my attention that an employee has been neglecting her paid role of serving ME to cop off with a chap called Manuel or something. Not acceptable – measures had to be taken, which it must be said have been profitable.

My life is such an adventure, garnering the attention of all. There should be a film about ME. With image rights of ME owned solely by ME. Could also do ME the musical, or MamaMEa. Who could play ME, only one person – ME. But who else?? I am a bit like Pierce Brosnan, a Bond type character – handsome, glamorous, successful, a wow with the ladies.

As ever, my most recent fame has niggled the keyboard warriors, moaning minnies and the like. What is it about my perfect behaviour that upsets them so?

Thursday 18th August 2016

Well, what a capital week!

My man suggested that my glory should be distributed more widely than it is, and that I should consider other realms. A man of my calibre is suited to the role of international playboy, and so it was!

I have been flying off all over, paid for of course by who I would call Basically Nice People. Ginge is less than complimentary about these Basically Nice People, but that is bitterness (as ever) from ginge. Those top hole chaps sorted out my glorifying tour of the continent, where my fame (and fortune) increased. For free!

This was concluded with some fine business at the gaff. The local constabulary could not wait to have their force inspected by ME which got me cost free food and accommodation for the night which is always good. Seems like the ex cut herself shaving or something but not to worry – a most keen and astute set of paparazzi where there to record events and share them among the rapturous serfs at home, desperate for news of ME.

I must say my man’s suggestion of a stab at international fame has worked a treat.

The Big Man and Ginge seem very quiet, I’m not sure if they are avoiding me or advancing their project on the quiet. They can’t seem to grasp that the TheME Park glorifying ME is more important than any number of houses. So, back to business, where’s my man got to?

Thursday 11th August 2016

Well Yeehahhhh! Guns are all the rage at the moment so my brilliant mind has come up with a great set of activities to encourage paying visitors to theME park.

I’ll have a shooting range for the kiddies – never to old to learn are they! Shoot the cans of course, and shoot the enemies! Do that and win a prize from ME. Fantastic!

For the grown ups – Dale’s Dive – an authentic Wild West bar with lots of whisky, moonshine, loose women and plenty of noisy guns for the men to fire in the street. Saddle up and sit a spell at Dale’s Dive folks!

Tuesday 9th August 2016

Being in such demand for my good works from serfs and all, it places great stresses on one. Others would collapse under the strain and attention. Poor me just has to bat through it all – for a fee of course. I need support and lots of public sympathy, so after some research, the best help will come from a date.

With Kylie.

Let me explain. Jeremy Kylie and Grey Stainer or some one or other do this TV show where the lesser strata get lots of psychological support in exchange for bearing their souls on TV. Best of all I’m told it’s all expenses paid! With ME they’d get a man of fame. calibre and esteem, which will increase their audience by millions (so there are opportunities for a bonus for me as well!). The adoring presenters and viewers would give ME all the sympathy and therapy poor me needs, and maybe a young research assistant to go. It’s a winner for everybody.

I’ve also decided to go into advertising. This pays a most tidy sum. Top manufacturers will flock to my door for my product endorsement. Here are two famous names who are signed up already…

I hear of lots of exes bitch fighting over ME – excellent work girls. Gets ME more attention. Spanking good fun!! I need a holiday after all this. Off to park the car (on expenses) and fly (first class of course) away to relax in the gaff. Day job? What day job! So long serfs!

Monday 8th August 2016

Found another way to bring in funds, not nearly enough but some, from the media. Recycling a few old ideas – how green I am! With help from a nice young lady, we have secured some money which we have split. I got the bigger share, as of course I should. We arranged to be photographed leaving a hotel, for which we got a fee. Then we sold a story about a couple of ‘episodes’ between us, for which we got a fee. Job done. Still more money to be made.

Another story sold about my personal problems (which of course I don’t really have.) ME needing sympathy and treatment, bit annoying for me to say this, but needs must. There are also possibilities for more ‘poor, wonderful ME‘ articles.

Big Man and Ginge not saying much, I think they are busy ‘developing’ business opportunities. They need to be more enthusiastic about my TheME Park, but are still looking at other avenues, as it were. I am still thinking about further rides as usual. Feeling thirsty, time for my man to fetch me a drink or two.

Tuesday 2nd August 2016

Mr Dale rides again, that is theME Park rides of course. It seems that the Big Man and Ginge do not share my enthusiasm for the amusement park project. They do not seem to understand that it would be a monument to ME. I have offered them the opportunity to be immortalised by having stalls named after them. The bent rifle range could be the Ginge Shooting Gallery and of course the Big Man is the bouncy castle.

The pair of them appear to believe building houses instead of theME park on this land would offer greater opportunities for garnering even larger amounts of cash. I do not trust them, they do not have the principles like what I have. Ginge tells me they have a plan! Who writes their plans, my man does mine? Surely they cannot come up with ideas themselves? Will they call streets after the chemicals used in the past and their effects – Contamination Close, Rubbish Tip Road, Wasteland Walk, Dangerous Drive?

After sorting that lot out. I had to take a ride back to the office. A recent acquaintance gave me plenty to do on my desk there. I work so hard serving people – I’ve been known to wine and dine them as well (and not at a charity do!). What a man I am. I must get my cleaner serf to give my desk an extra special clean, there seem to be some deep stains that need attention.

Monday 1st August 2016

Would you believe it. Some of the organisers of charity events I kindly condescend to honour with my presence do not understand that it should all revolve around ME. Of course I am fed and watered (you can always separate that second or third bottle of wine from the hosts) but sometimes I am not given the acclaim I deserve. Have they never read my self-absorbed musings? My man does have a little talent when he writes my articles.

I understand there may be an opening (I am always on the lookout for an opening!) on a newspaper! Some floppy headed buffoon seems to have gone on to foreign works and is no longer doing his weekly scribble. I could do that (my man doing the hard graft of course). It pays mega bucks and could clear a few debts; but I would have to keep my ex away from the details. Just need to rubbish the management, no change there. I might use a false name, what could it be? Let me think, will get the serfs to give me ideas. Could add a picture with a false beard and wig. If I change the picture on a regular basis I could sneak in some advertising. Yes, possibilities, but all this thinking is making me thirsty. Now let’s check when the next free feed is.

I am also a master of disguise…