Monday 27th June2016

I instructed my serfs to vote in. They did not. That is clearly nothing to do with me, as nothing is ever my fault. Sackings required at HQ methinks. Failure is definitely down to them. What were they doing whilst I was getting a tan, grafting away? Nobody works harder than ME! Where are their silly little inquiries now that they need ME more than ever? I’m available (for a fee) to sort it all out.

Free lunch in the town recently. My bronzed adonis handsomeness, (a tan achieved whilst working hard of course) compared to the pale bulk of the big man showed all who is lord and master round here. What a cheek, the big man taking the credit for changes to MY fiefdom! The new thingy needs a celebration of greatness. A statue of ME would be ideal to grace the area. But in what pose? My hands on my thrusting thighs, reflecting my bronzed torso looking like a cross between George Hamilton and David Dickinson (or perhaps the appropriately named Dale Winton)? Or just my normal grandeur?

Apparently the ex got a free lunch with a bird in the hand. I am an expert on birds in the hand (or even birds in the handset) so should have got a free lunch too. Bad form indeed.

Remember how hard I worked to save thousands from being drowned in the floods? How I prevented a crisis? ME!! Seeing as I can walk on water I was very helpful.

Apparently some of the moaning minnies think I should have done all that for free. As if they would, or even could! Not like me, the man who can, and did at the time. I was busy, at it all Xmas, oh yes.

Thursday 23rd June 2016

I have had some thoughts about the servants. They might be more accommodating if they had a uniform. Skimpy shorts and tight T shirts. Not the big man, but that might be amusing, if not a little gross. My male staff (a loose definition!) could wear suits with arrows on them, preparation for the future perhaps.

But back to the real issue, how to up my income so as to satisfy my needs. Money from advertising might be an option. A large hoarding outside my office for people to advertise, with flashing lights. Or possibly install extra phone lines for a call centre; for use by taxi’s, or a help line for people’s needs or for them just to ‘chat’. Maybe my staff could have T shirts with advertisements on them. Or they could go round with sandwich boards. Just a minute though, what about dressing them as chickens or turkeys to advertise takeaways. Better still two could go round in a pantomime horse or donkey! Although I can’t see anyone wanting to be in the back end, especially if the big man is in the front! It could even be ridden by my ex.

The big man and the ex looking at a new river bridge

Time for another business venture. But what? Perhaps an import and export business with my Asian links. They could produce cheap goods and I could offer my vast knowledge, advice and influence for a suitable fee. I would need a place en route to store my earnings so I do not have to lose money to the taxman. I do so hate these people that scrutinise hard earned expenses and payments, but there are of course ways to get round this problem. Why should I have to sacrifice some of my wealth for the benefit of serfs? It should be not what I can do for them but what they can do for me.

I am, after all, more important than everyone else. ME!

Monday 20th June 2016

The funds are low again, just a few scraps from the papers following me and the ex going out. Have to do it to bring in a few pennies. And what has happened to the lady in red you may ask?

Had to borrow money from an old colleague, m’lord, luckily he can’t turn me down as I know too much about him!

I have thought about offering my skills for payment, well not my skills as my man deals with that side of ME. More like my services, so much I could offer, especially for the ladies. An Adonis like ME with my film star looks and magnificent physique. I have even taken up running so I can wear figure hugging shorts, I do like the feel of lycra!
Enough about ME (well not really) but I do need to do something about my servants, they are not pulling their weight especially the big man! Where are their ideas to give me more money? I have had to think of a few scams, no that should be ideas.

This referendum doesn’t help. Takes attention away from ME. It should be about the ME-U. I’ve decided serfs should vote IN because I like it in.

This thinking is making me thirsty, I think I will leave it until tomorrow. Serfs, bring me a drink, several actually, and some food.

Monday 6th June 2016

The ‘harem’ is building nicely. Added another one in the office. She can’t type, she can’t file, she can’t deal with people’s enquiries, but that’s not why I hired her! My new servant has admirable skills from her previous position (in more than one sense). She can serve drinks, cause a distraction when there is turbulence and wait on me hand and foot. What other skills does she need? And I am not paying her wages, as usual. Now I have ’employees’ in both my offices for my pleasure, erm, good works.

Something is afoot with the big man and ginge. The big man has been abusive and bullying to serfs; that is my job. He is being secretive, not answering questions. I think it involves doing deals on parts of my fiefdom, MY fiefdom! Any deals in my realm require at least 50% of any ‘earnings’ to come to me, as well as covering my expenses. Careful big man, I am watching you! And ginge, stop hovering behind my back! You might have thought your lord and master was on holiday but MY SPY is watching you…

Everyone knows what a ‘sporty’ type I am. I saw bits of the championship Europan games finals on TV. There seemed to be plenty of people there on freebies and expenses. Why not ME? Must get the office staff on to that. I should be on the board of FIFA to be fair, such is my expertise in matters of legitimate expenses. I have decided to join a cricket team too, such is my expertise in the area of the silly point and especially the middle wicket.